im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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