Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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