Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
