Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
