I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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