Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
