On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
