I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
