I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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