if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
