Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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