I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
