Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
