your parents love me but you hate me
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
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