I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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