The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
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