I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
