Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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