Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
