i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
