Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
