So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
