okay pat passed out under dana's car
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Randomize
