Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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