i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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