It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
