i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I can't put those talents on a resume
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Randomize
