Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
