Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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