i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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