I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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