I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
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