mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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