Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
