I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
