How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
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