When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
