I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Randomize
