we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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