That's when you crack a 10am beer
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
