ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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