my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
