So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
