I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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