If that was your dad, he is hot
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
