So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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