so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
