it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
