I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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