Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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