i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Randomize
