Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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